Dad, I forgive You

Dad, back in 2005 when we started rebuilding. There were several topics we never discussed.  I never brought them up because I didn’t want to rock the boat. I didn’t want you to leave. People told me i should be grateful that I even knew who my father was. I could have not settle for such. I wanted to”know” you. Hear stories about your upbringing, learn about your mom and hear why your father was murdered.

 I recall being acquainted with you. You would come around every couple of years and sometimes we’d spend the night with you. Oh how I needed you… Daddy I needed you immensely. I wish you were there during kindergarten orientation, though my tween stages, and high school transition. During my decision to take a year off from college out of high school. I finished my degree but it took me longer than the average college student. I was lost. I sought love in all the wrong places. I didn’t know what true love looked like.
We never discussed my life goals. Did you care? Did I matter? I never thought I mattered to you. I’d call at times. But we rarely spoke. Most of the times, I could never connect with you as you changed phone numbers frequently. I wanted to be a daddy’s girl badly. But to no avail… The string of false promises you implemented drained me.

You were a great citizen, contributing to society. So why weren’t I good enough? In 2008 when you sped on your motorcycle, you went to jail for the first time in your life. Why did you feel so comfortable calling me? I bailed you out. I desperately wanted you in my life. In 2014, when you were ready for home ownership, you called me to assist in repairing your credit. I helped you. I even showed you a few homes. You stopped calling… I quickly discovered that you used another girl with “good hair” as your Realtor . I was completely puzzled. During that time, my husband was out in the middle of the sea. He was also in the middle of his grad program. I recall calling you to vent as I was trying to work as a full-time Realtor and help Liam with his speech skills. Not to mention, we needed the income. I had just cried out to you and spilled out my soul of how I missed my husband and being without him was beyond tough. My son was stressed and his development had directly been impacted due to Kenny and I decision to pursue the maritime degree. I was very upset with you, livid. Am I still not good enough? Don’t answer that question. I have searched my heart. I forgive you. When you asked me to come over during Father’s  Day, honestly I didn’t want to join but, God commands that I honor my parents. He also commands that I forgive.  I forgive you. I just wish you were there. 

Love

Your first born